When I reached out to Shine, I was recovering from my most recent suicide attempt. I realise that’s a bit dark straight off the bat, but this is the truth of my experience. I didn't know or even think that Shine could help me. I've suffered with deep and complex mental health issues my whole life, with suicidal ideation and attempts over the years, and I thought I was too much of a 'case' that Shine may not be able to 'handle me'.

But, one day, sitting alone again, exhausted from crying all day, watching my little girl approaching me, cautiously hoping for some sort of interaction but unsure of what she would get back, something in me snapped. I posted about how I was feeling to the closed Shine Facebook page and the response I got from the members of the page was amazing. I was encouraged, supported and, most importantly, given an opportunity to make a change. I was so close to backing out of the Shine course the next day - when the fog cleared a little and I pushed myself into daily life - but the project manager’s persistence to get me signed up, and the other women continuing to message me and check in pushed me to try. I am so glad I did.

I suffered with antenatal depression with my first child, and while also suffering from anorexia, the change to my body and the astounding amount of weight I gained was simply devastating. I resented her for what was happening and I didn't enjoy my pregnancy. Looking back, it feels wasted that I couldn't and I still feel pangs of heartache when I see others enjoying theirs. When she was born, my husband and I moved from southwest London to Swindon. We ripped out the whole house, leaving me at home, all day, everyday. Alone. In a building site. With a newborn. In the height and heat of summer.

I no longer worked 20+ hour days in busy environments, distracted, busy, my own person. I was nothing. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be and I wasn't the outgoing (thin) popular busy person I used to be, surrounded by friends and people. And so I quickly got worse, no matter how hard I tried. Lily was hospitalised with low weight and FTT, which made me feel even more of a failure. I spiralled, my OCD became unbearable, the intrusive thoughts crept back in and then, the psychosis started.

I would see Lily's face physically changing before my eyes. I refused to believe she was mine. I couldn't bond, I felt nothing - or I felt intense anger. I felt like all I'd ever wanted to be was a mummy, I worked hard within the Early Years Education system and I felt so prepared for a child. But - I.Could.Not.Love.My.Baby. There were days when my husband would have to hold her on to me to feed. I never picked her up, I didn't want to touch her and the longer that went on the harder it was to try.

I felt like I was wasting this valuable and short time of her little life. She grew from a tiny newborn, quickly through her milestones and I was left feeling like I'd missed each stage. I joined Shine at a very, very dark time, and that first coffee morning I pushed myself so hard to go. I was an hour early, as I panic about finding new places and driving. And once I’d arrived, I nearly left again. But I stayed.

Lily was the oldest child there by far at two, and although she was lovely to the first few babies as the room grew busy she became stressed out, she pushed and cried and had the worst behaviour I'd ever seen from her. And so I sat and cried, in a room full of strangers, I couldn't even speak, I couldn't look at Lily or comfort her or stop her or be who she needed me to be. But. The amazing crèche workers jumped in, they supported and distracted Lily and the other mums tried, and re-tried, and tried again to get through to me over the session. I was so grateful to them all.

And it was ok. We came every Friday, and I can not tell you how much it helped to feel like I had something to work towards. I knew Lily was safe in the crèche in the room next door, having positive interactions and relationships outside of the depression she was used to.

Those Shine workshops and the Shine drop in have been invaluable. Not just for the therapeutic opportunities and having time with other adults without the children, but the group chat, the friends Lily and I have made, and the advice they are able to give. Even the skills I've learned and (tried!) to take away with me. If you feel like you're too 'complex' or you're worried about it being like 'group therapy' it truly isn't like that at all.

A few years after Lily was born, I had another baby. Sadly, I suffered with antenatal depression again through my pregnancy with Archer. I had a long long labour, complications after birth and then Archer developed sepsis at a few days old. It was hard. I suffered again with PND and I've had to learn to try and accept him as mine. With the suicidal ideation, the self harming and the weight gain and my loss of identity, I can still often feel adrift, lonely and so profoundly in despair. My heart broke when I searched and searched for a photo of me proudly posing for happy photos with both my little ones, and I realised there isn't one. They'll never have that photo to look back at and I'll never stop cutting myself out of photos or avoiding them completely. I still struggle with my PND towards Lily at times, and as she's older and I see her forming strong bonds with others I feel pangs of remorse, guilt and jealousy. There is still lots of work to do.

But, there are some things that I have built around me now to ensure that I don’t sprial again. That support network means everything. This is what helped.

♥️ I can fall back on the crisis team if outside intervention is needed - similarly reaching out to your GP to access mental health services is important.
♥️ I asked my Health Visitor to have access to a nursery nurse to do home visits and I found her regular drop-ins so very helpful. They are able to teach you massage, do the weigh-ins and checks you would do at the drop-in clinics etc but they come to you, in your own environment.
♥️ I enrolled in NCT here when I was pregnant and I maintained my relationships with this group of friends - it was invaluable to be going through motherhood at the same time and discussing the ups and downs. I've also met friends at groups we attend and I have also found Facebook groups such as Mummy Meet Ups, Swindon Mumbler, MUSH and Swindon Mother's Group, all are great for finding others that wanted to reach out and meet up. Community is important and you don't have to be front and centre or meeting new people all the time but finding an environment or a group you can feel part of can be so helpful.
♥️ Shine workshops and the Shine drop in. Have been invaluable. Not just for the therapeutic opportunities and having that time without children with other adults but the message group chat, the friends both Lily and I have made. The advice they are able to give. Even the skills I've learned and (tried!) To take away with me (I will make more than a strand of wool one day when I try and crotchet!)
♥️ Focusing on providing the best opportunities, trying my hardest to make amazing memories, scrapbooking and taking alllllll the photos (!!) so that even though at the time I feel like an outsider, like I’m missing it all, I can know that Lily and Archer are not missing out on having those memories to look back on.